forgiving my fears of being forgotten, or appreciating all of the moon.

Hasui-Kawase-3_o

i recently took some time away in part from social media. mostly from
Facebook, partially from Twitter and Instagram. i felt the need to take
that time because i do honestly feel that technology and its products
have led to a decline in person-to-person communication in terms of
people genuinely connecting to themselves and others. don’t get me
wrong, i’m well aware of the irony on that statement being expressed
on a website and you happening upon this via social media. i do really
cherish the continued connections i have with folks on here. but i will
always uphold and cherish the ones i have had and continue to have
offline. that said, i came into a discovery during that time that shook
me up, but not in a shattering way that i first imagined it would.

i have a tendency to feel alone and left out or left behind by people.
and i know that it’s not the case most of the time, hence my struggle
with this feeling.

i’ve struggled with this since i was little. there’s moments, no matter
how fleeting, where i have felt like a simple add-on to a conversation.
times where i feel more acutely like i’m not considered, or what i do
isn’t considered. times where i can feel really bothered or put out that
i’m not thought of even in a minor way by one or two people from time
to time. and i’ll feel like this to the point where i will cling to solitude a
bit more intensely than others. in rare moments, with a tinge of anger.
it’s taken me years to strip these feelings away, to examine them and
the causes for them. to find the triggers and see them for what they
are. i think that part of the issue stems from a matter of inheritance. my
dad has dealt with these feelings himself, and though we’ve never sat
and talked about the matter, i’ve been familiar with it. in a way, it’s made
me be determined to not think or act in that way, but blood is blood. and
what blood dictates sometimes can be a mountain upon your shoulder
blades. another aspect to this is that i know that there are many who care
for me, and about me. i KNOW this. and why i feel those twinges at times
is because i know this, and because i make an effort to be considerate
and care about others based on my own personal code of love and honor.
but there is that slippery slope that makes up the in-between of knowing
that people have you in mind and them showing you that leads to the
discomfort of the feeling of not being kept in mind. its kind of like the moon –
it seems we only really pay attention to it when it’s fertile and bright. but
we only glance briefly at its other phases. no one wants to be forgotten, or
cast aside, ever. some of us feel that more than most, based on our past
and based on what we’re doing and feeling now.

i know that there is a romance that exists among writers and literature in
terms of solitude, a romance that tends to celebrate the isolation a writer
can encounter in the process of creation. i take advantage of it myself, and
i do feel it can be necessary. but i also know that i don’t ever want to feel
disconnected or lonely. but in that connection with people, that involvement,
i DO WANT TO FEEL LIKE I’M A PART of it. there are others who can and
do operate differently, who can be detached or need to be because of their
own things they need to deal with. not me. i have to accept that these feelings
will crop up, more and more as time passes. but like the moon, i also will
now accept that there’s a cycle to these feelings and that the solitude will
not be forever. not if i’m sharing and celebrating and enduring through the
craft of my words, and through my relationships with those i care about. i
hope that if you have felt like this at any time, that you can sift through it and
realize that just like the moon, there will be those that appreciate you in all
your forms just as you do.

as always, thanks for reading. walk good.

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